Emotional mommy, emotional son

In this year spent away from my family, in another mile of self-discovery, I have learned to better understand my mom who is a few thousand miles away from me, and how much I am like her.

Ever since attending Trinity College, I have tried to portray myself as a person who is all rational and philosophical, always looking at things from a third-person perspective and my thoughts unhampered by emotions. When I plan things, I never consider the subjective and emotional aspects of things, always trying to adopt the "Just Do It, No Sweat" attitude. Often, my plans are foiled because in truth, the execution of my plans involves lots of sweat, and lots of emotional issues to handle. Issues such as motivational problems, apathy, short-term gratifications and distractions of passion.

Even looking back at the times when I advise people with their problems, I seem to myself like a management consultant, telling people "what" to do without considering the difficulty of the "how", adding the fact that the "hows" are the toughest issues to deal with in these problems as they are often closely linked to the handling of emotions. Like playing one of those maze-puzzles in the newspapers or children activity books, finishing them easily because we get to see the maze from the top when it is way more difficult if we are in the maze itself. Sometimes I wonder what right do I to advise people regarding problems which I myself have never encountered before, or problems which I have encountered before but have not solved.

This year, for various reasons, I have learned to accept the fact that considering issues merely from a rational point of view is... irrational. When I considered what course to do in uni, I just chose what seemed at that time to be the best option for my future. I never considered the matter of enjoyment and feeling content with what I was doing. Now, I suffer from many uncertainties regarding the happiness of my future, the purpose of my studies and the bewilderment of what I should do after I graduate.

When deciding whether to enter into relationships, I used to consider only the facts and only factors that can be thought of, such as whether she and I can have a future together and whether our personalities complement each other. At that time, I thought things like chemistry between people could be easily developed and was not an important issue to consider just as long she seems compatible with me. I thought the matter of physical attraction could easily be overcome (I also learned that physical attraction is not restricted only to what we see, but I don't think that I will discuss that issue over my blog). I thought the concept of "loving without attachment" that was taught by many philosophers was easy to adopt. Damned, that ain't easy. When I love, I seem to want to be loved in return. Now, after various experiences and much frustration and contemplation over those experiences, I have begun to appreciate the inexplicable x-factor in relationships, the chemistry of love.

My mom is not very different. From what I can understand with my measely 20 years of experience on this world, my mom puts on something that can be almost called a facade. A facade of a tough woman whose decisions and actions are unhindered by emotions. The "you mess with me, I mess you up!" kind of person. She would have lots of potential to build an outstanding career if that really was her attitude. The only thing is, that isn't. She is so much more emotional and mushy inside. She can be so sweet when expressing her love to my paps, despite the fact that he isn't very creative in that sense (if you ever read this, i'm sorry! But it's true!). She lectures me about having to be mean to be successful in the real world, and then complains to me about how "sui", or what pricks some her friends can be when they have not shown appreciation for her friendship. She shows anger when she punishes us for disappointing her when in truth, she is crying within. The reason why she does not have that career is because her four children just takes too much of her time. Time that she prefers to do nothing else with but make sure that we are raised to be fine adults.

But whether she has or has not accepted the fact that she is an emotional person, I still do not know. Maybe she does, and we should play the game of life like her: showing that we are strong where we are weak. Or maybe she continues to put on the mask of a superwoman to remind herself that the world has no place for softies. I know at least for myself, I have learned to recognize the influences that emotions can have on my actions. Maybe someday I will get to find out what my mom is really thinks of herself and the world.